An open letter:
Today has not exactly been the best day. I finally had to start packing and cleaning properly, and it sucks. I'm surrounded by what was supposed to have been "our" new life together, but instead I'm constantly coming up against things that are "yours" that I have to put in the spare room when I'd rather be putting them into a box to take up to Glasgow to "our" new flat.
It's so easy to walk away from things when you have somewhere else to go (set up in advance, it seems), but when you're stuck dealing with the fallout it's so much harder to get over what was supposed to be.
Finding cards you wrote with "Love, always" stuck with my uni folders was particularly shitty. I wasn't really counting on the day you'd just "realise" that you didn't love me any more, and instead of talking to me about it, would attempt to disappear off into the wide blue yonder. Well done for realising, too late, that you maybe owed it to me to talk to me in person.
I guess I'm just thinking out loud here, but what kind of damage must you have to assume that doing something like that is OK? And adding, in the hastily jotted down note, that after the "mess clears", you'd still like to be friends? Mess? That's what our relationship was? A mess to be tidied away? An inconvenience? Jesus, that's cold. Why would I want to be friends with someone who could pull a stunt like that?
What got me was the attempts at levity. "I'll always remember that kiss", "We'll always have Transylvania". What? Transylvania? We spent 3 days in a hostel in Brașov, it wasn't like you swept me off my fucking feet in a castle somewhere. You're not in a film, you're dealing with someone who cared deeply for you, and picking out two events in our relationship in a fucking pathetic attempt to make me think that it meant something to you isn't going to make a single bit of difference.
We'll skip over the arrogance of the section where you told me that you expected I'd have to get a chain of shitty jobs to follow you round the world and deal with the practicalities of the statement. Living in Glasgow would allow me to get back into teaching, which I can do anywhere in any country. Giving me a fucking chance to get back on my feet would have been nice, but no, shitty jobs it is. Thanks. And "going where the research is"? You're not Ahab, dipshit. Research is not your white whale.
Now, it really is the last bit that will stay with me forever. A PS, explaining that you didn't get the job in Glasgow? No shit, you could have told me to my face though. The best bit? The PPS, where you admitted that I was right, that your "handwriting and spelling were terrible ;) ". Yeah. You ended 6 years with a fucking smiley. I think, in the space of two punctuation marks you managed to show me exactly what our relationship meant to you. Not a damn thing.
So, for all that I'm hurting and heartbroken right now, you've done your best to make sure that it won't be too hard to get over you. And as for being friends? Do I want to be friends with a narcissist who seems to think he inhabits an almost cinematic universe, where people forgive stunts like that and everyone skips off into the sunset? No. I really don't think I do.
I want to be friends with the people who dropped everything to help me out the last two weeks, the people who took me out for drinks, made me lunch, offered to drive over to watch zombie flicks, are helping me pack the van and who're planning all sorts of exciting trips with me. Those people are the folk I want in my life, and they're the ones who matter to me now.
I'd love to say I wish you all the best, but that would be a lie. I'm done with you and this town. I'm just done.
Nina
Today has not exactly been the best day. I finally had to start packing and cleaning properly, and it sucks. I'm surrounded by what was supposed to have been "our" new life together, but instead I'm constantly coming up against things that are "yours" that I have to put in the spare room when I'd rather be putting them into a box to take up to Glasgow to "our" new flat.
It's so easy to walk away from things when you have somewhere else to go (set up in advance, it seems), but when you're stuck dealing with the fallout it's so much harder to get over what was supposed to be.
Finding cards you wrote with "Love, always" stuck with my uni folders was particularly shitty. I wasn't really counting on the day you'd just "realise" that you didn't love me any more, and instead of talking to me about it, would attempt to disappear off into the wide blue yonder. Well done for realising, too late, that you maybe owed it to me to talk to me in person.
I guess I'm just thinking out loud here, but what kind of damage must you have to assume that doing something like that is OK? And adding, in the hastily jotted down note, that after the "mess clears", you'd still like to be friends? Mess? That's what our relationship was? A mess to be tidied away? An inconvenience? Jesus, that's cold. Why would I want to be friends with someone who could pull a stunt like that?
What got me was the attempts at levity. "I'll always remember that kiss", "We'll always have Transylvania". What? Transylvania? We spent 3 days in a hostel in Brașov, it wasn't like you swept me off my fucking feet in a castle somewhere. You're not in a film, you're dealing with someone who cared deeply for you, and picking out two events in our relationship in a fucking pathetic attempt to make me think that it meant something to you isn't going to make a single bit of difference.
We'll skip over the arrogance of the section where you told me that you expected I'd have to get a chain of shitty jobs to follow you round the world and deal with the practicalities of the statement. Living in Glasgow would allow me to get back into teaching, which I can do anywhere in any country. Giving me a fucking chance to get back on my feet would have been nice, but no, shitty jobs it is. Thanks. And "going where the research is"? You're not Ahab, dipshit. Research is not your white whale.
Now, it really is the last bit that will stay with me forever. A PS, explaining that you didn't get the job in Glasgow? No shit, you could have told me to my face though. The best bit? The PPS, where you admitted that I was right, that your "handwriting and spelling were terrible ;) ". Yeah. You ended 6 years with a fucking smiley. I think, in the space of two punctuation marks you managed to show me exactly what our relationship meant to you. Not a damn thing.
So, for all that I'm hurting and heartbroken right now, you've done your best to make sure that it won't be too hard to get over you. And as for being friends? Do I want to be friends with a narcissist who seems to think he inhabits an almost cinematic universe, where people forgive stunts like that and everyone skips off into the sunset? No. I really don't think I do.
I want to be friends with the people who dropped everything to help me out the last two weeks, the people who took me out for drinks, made me lunch, offered to drive over to watch zombie flicks, are helping me pack the van and who're planning all sorts of exciting trips with me. Those people are the folk I want in my life, and they're the ones who matter to me now.
I'd love to say I wish you all the best, but that would be a lie. I'm done with you and this town. I'm just done.
Nina
1 comment:
I saw the initial reaction to this on the Mothership and I feel the same way as I did then. You are well rid of that pathetic weight.
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